How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize