whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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