I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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