Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
