Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Is Oprah even human
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
