while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
At least life still wants to fuck me.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
