had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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