using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize