Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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