my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
