i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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