Need sex. Gaining weight.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize