did you get engaged???
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
