so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
