My sheets look like a crime scene.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
