i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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