how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
My feet surprised me
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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