I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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