My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
