i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
