You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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