If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
