I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize