You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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