We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
