My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
