I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
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