I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
