I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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