Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
