I'm so fucking centered right now
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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