Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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