I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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