You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
