I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You have to summon your inner elephant
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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