Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
