ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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