And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
