Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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