dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
