i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
