Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
We need a shit load of segways right now
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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