Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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