i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
