My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
