I think my vagina is haunted
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
