In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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