Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
