While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
