Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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