onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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