My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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