Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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