i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
