New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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