What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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