Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I want to fling myself into the sun
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
