ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize