the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
In America we eat man semen.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
