Jerry, you need to find god
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
